raindrops and roses

2007-04-18T23:19:00.000+08:00

Would you break my fall

when i come tumbling down?

Would you be there for me

when no one else is around?

Doubt I mean that much to you

or if im worth anything at all

Doubt you'd stick around for me

or be there to answer my call.

Everyday i spend with you

you grow on me, bit by bit.

Its hard to recall life

without you there in it.

Be strong, I tell myself;

you should mean nothing to me.

We are friends & friends only & as friendly as friends shouldnt be.

2007-03-05T20:23:00.000+08:00

Her glossy eyes light up

a luminous hazel brown

everytime the sun streams down onto her face.

Streaks of gold highlight her soft chestnut hair

and she stares out the window,

oblivious to her beauty.

Thoughts engulf her expression

as she subconsciously tucks a stray lock

behind her diamond studded ear.

People continue their muffled chatter

around her not noticing a

frown develop on her plump lips,

contrasting against her olive skin.

A tear escapes from her eye

and she quickly wipes away the moist drop.

A quick glance around her and she settles

to comprehend the world outside her glass prison, once again.

A world of hurt and pain,

of thoughts and worries;

disguised behind a facade of beauty.

A gift? No. A curse.

2007-02-27T20:45:00.000+08:00

She closes her eyes

but all she seems to be able to do is think.

Think about the different way of life she might have had.

Think about the difference between the good and the bad.

She closes her eyes

and tries to fall asleep

she refuses to surrender to defeat.

But yet she thinks.

Thinks about how it could have been different.

She sees her mistakes now;

if only she had listened.

She closes her eyes

but sees a whole new world before her.

A world that has seemed to have sunken down under.

Under the lies, the hurt and all the mistakes.

Back then it seemed like a piece of cake.

She closes her eyes

wondering why she even bothers.

This new life of hers is here to stay and to haunt her.

2007-01-25T17:58:00.000+08:00

This heart.

This heart feels,

feels the wind in the trees.

This heart knows,

knows there is truth out there.

This heart hurts,

hurts for the hurt souls.

This heart soars,

soars high with the eagles.

This heart longs,

longs for things to be right again.

This heart dreams,

dreams about dreams coming true.

This heart.

2007-01-20T23:25:00.000+08:00

Im bored

some of dadio's friends are over for dinner...

hence am confined to either my room or the com room...

am throwing small paper balls at cat whos currently

perched on shelf above my head, snoozing...

i think shes dead...

stupid cat

cant even entertain me in times of severe boredom...

bumped into jeremy from aust today

at city hall mrt station...

was odd..

haha its weird when u meet someone in a certain country

and then see them again in another country..

hes my only hopeful whos gonna be stayin in

college square this yr...

ok, am gonna demand other cat to entertain me..

2007-01-12T19:56:00.000+08:00

Foolish child,

yet have you understood

the wonders of the world.

Foolish child,

yet have you experienced

the seasons of the earth.

Foolish child,

yet have you learnt

the difference between right & wrong.

Foolish child,

yet have you mastered the strength

to maintain strong.

Foolish child,

who do you think you are

writing this song?

gritting my teeth and clenching my fists

help me be nice!!

2007-01-11T01:02:00.000+08:00

Quick post before i go beddie byes..

witnessed the weirdest thing on sunday..

was watching tv with the dadio when suddenly we see this

bright flash outside in the distance.. like above the sea..

i, like a kaypo grabbed the binoculars but it was gone by the time

i focused and everything -_-

but it was so weird..

it looked like a shooting star but it was too bright and large..

at first it was blue, then it turned green and then it became

a white light..

and it jus kinda dissolved and disappeared..

it came out in the news

apparently, im not the only existing kaypo left...

they came up with all these theories from UFOs to falling satellites..

anw...

medical check up tmr..

gotta sleep now..

2006-12-17T19:26:00.000+08:00

4 mths this time.. wow seems like forever.. dont think anyone's gonna see this.. a gd thing =] woke up crying today.. kinda weird.. never happened before.. i think im gonna keep this blog.. aka update more often.. ive come to forget how soothing and relieveing it is to blog..

Tears blur out my vision

blind to the outside world.

everythings unclear

then suddenly,

a teardrop stains the page

and I can see again.

But its too late

Too late to wipe away the tear

To erase all evidence of it

The damage has already been done.

2006-08-08T21:45:00.000+08:00

5 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!

five whole months..

lol and im back...

my computer has been dead for 5 mths..

they changed the headboard 5 times before they figured out it wasnt the problem.

smart.

oh well.. im back =]

not for long.. too many assignments..

so little time..

i'll be baaaack..

2006-03-18T16:11:00.000+08:00

once again, this entry is for kam.. lol ur the only one who reminds me to update.. dammit i wish u were here.. we wld prolly paint the whole city pink.. or knowing u, grey or depressing blue or smth..
one thing i miss most is everyone's voices.. and their laughter.. it so weird, no more familiar giggles and snickers..
goodness its cold.. its been really cold the last few days.. summer's ending.. daylight savings is gonna end too.. lol in spore my hands used to freeze up in low temperatures.. here's they're permanently popsicles.. some of my friends here call me demon child cuz they're forever cold.. i think i have bad circulation..
sigh i've sooooo much assignments and stuff.. its crazy.. one subj im really struggling with is chemistry.. on top of it being difficult and me totally dispicing the subj, my lecturer and my prac and tute teacher are the worst teachers ever.. my tute/prac teacher hates me.. no clue why.. i ask her a question or two during prac and she snaps back.. geez.. shes always bragging how she's been teaching for 16 years and how shes soooooo good at everything.. she cant even pronounce zero, she says "geelo".. lol but shes the once asian teacher i have..

all my other teachers and lecturers are nice.. my history of ideas teacher is reaaaaaally nice.. hes soooooo funny, u have no idea.. really funky and 'down with the times'.. lol he curses and swears during tutes (humourously, of course) alot jus to make us laugh..

ok.. dunno what else to say now.. so till my next attempt to update, tata! muah..

2006-03-04T13:05:00.000+08:00

FINALLY

have my lap top and internet now! entry, posts, e-mails and online status might actually be frequent now..

omg. tmr marks 2 months in aussie land!!!! thats waaaaaay longer than i thought i could survive in total independance (excluding financially) in a foreign land.. not so foreign now tho..

sigh i miss spore and fam and friends. nart, i miss u! stef, i miss u! joanna, i miss u! hanna, i miss u! i could go on, but methinks i shld stop. i wish i was there being anxious about first day of jc on mon with everybody..

u know what i miss the most? cheap hawker food!!!! chinese/asian food here is crap compared to food in spore. oh well..

the term officially starts on mon.. got my timetable yest.. lectures, practicals and tutorials everyday.. its gonna be hectic..

=) its all good.. i like life here.. wish i could orb people over to me tho.. and my cats..
anw, till the next update.. tata and so long to forever..

2006-02-01T13:20:00.000+08:00

My first entry in australia!!!

haha omg this is so weird..

hows everybody been?!?!?!

ok, i cant type for long.. am in an internet cafe..

arrrrggghhhhhhhhh.

too much to say, too much to say!!

life in australia is real good.. im loving australia so much..

made amazing friends,

missing friends in spore like hell, tho.. =(

omg i dunno what to say. like i dunno where to begin..

haha help please..

ok, u know what, im gonna stop. cuz i really dunno what to say.

so this is to let everyone know, im alive =D

so.. till i know what to type, tata!

2006-01-04T12:35:00.000+08:00

8 hrs

well.

this will be my last entry in spore.. for this year, at least..

im gonna miss this big blue comfy swivel chair.

im gonna miss the dim lighting of the com room.

im gonna miss staring out at the sea and the ships with i dunno what to type.

im gonna miss ah girl trying to block the screen and sit on the key pad to annoy me.

most of all, im gonna miss the people.

people i love.

friends i have, friends i used to have.

my family.

the stupid cats =]

aahhhhh

im gonna start bawling.

ok, im gonna do a tribute thingie:

NART: omg. i dunno what to say. theres too much.

u know, i can only summarise it all up into a few words;

i love you like crazy and i really dunno what i wld have done without you.

ur the most outstanding person ive ever met, no words can begin to describe.

stop making me cry!!!!!

ahaha i love u. too much to say.

STEF: u crazy cow. u so blur! ahaha im gonna miss tt..

i think the thing tt made drama the most fun for me, was you. if it wasnt for drama we wldnt be the kind of friends we are now, imagine tt!

ahaha man.. i love u, babe. thank u for the diary. oh! im gonna do smth.

im gonna use it as a journal to you! im gonna write in it, my daily events and thoughts and stuff, and im gonna give it back to you when i come back.. tt way, it'll feel like i still have u there with me.. except silent.. ahahah.

JOANNA: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW ABOUT NEVER!!! ahaha

omg. if only i had a few more weeks with you. u crazy tortoise coloured cat who chases her own tail. u better be off ur crutches when i come back! ahaha. i'll teach u the cheek-nose-forehead thing =) omg, remember the kallang expetition?? ahahah and we went singing "one way" in the middle of the car park.. and we sang it off key!! ahahaha, sigh.. yesterday was great fun, thank u a billions for all the crazy laughter we shared.. esp right before the O's.. stress..

i love u, baby! muah!

KAM: u drop-dot! u london cow! squishy-squishy-squash-squash! jiggly *toot*s! bung bung bung, rubber bung, rubber bung! gosh, theres so many more i cant remember.. ohh! musafa!! ahahahaha mufafa.. btw, its really supposed to be "mufasa".. =] im gonna be so incredibly sane, without u.. its a scary thought..

i love u loadsa loadsa loads! muaaaah!

NIKE, CHANDU & HANNA: u weird meenachis! ahahah i seriously dunno where to start. remember the dancing pontianak!?!?! ahaha swaku cuz we dunno what air batu is.. i swear, they're called ice lollies! hanna, tell may and whats-ur-other-kitty's-name tt they're really sweet and fat =] im gonna miss planning dates for our gay cats.. and our detours!! and not paying attention during malay! and recess! chandu!!!! CAN WE EEEEEEEAT?!?!?! ahaha. sigh. million bezillion ketrillion kisses, hugs and pinches to u. i love u guys like crazy!

SURINA: i dunno if u'll even come about reading this but it'll ease my excitement..

our weird-ness goes all the way back to sec one.. ahaha i think we fought every alternate days.. ooooh i rem when we first officially had a conversation! it was about linkin park.. we were lining up outside the classroom, going to the music room.. and we were talking about music and stuff.. we hit it off from there.. sigggggh. i'll miss those days. u dont smell like ocenus anymore.. =[

haha i love u, kiddo.

CHARM: i know this is weird, since we were'nt in the same "clan" or whatever, but ur fun!

and i might actually miss ur nonsense.. i said might.. not too sure abt it just yet.. u smell! ahahah and u think! haha. our shoping spree was fun.. we never did go about going to ikea, did we? oh well.. next year, i suppose.. peace out.. i know u'll miss my chicken skin!! =) love ya!

ABI & CHER: i dont think u'll actually read this, but in case..

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

im gonna miss miss miss misssss you guys!

once we reach 300 in our blooper book, i'll send it to u.. haha..

im gonna be laughin to myself like a loony everytime i pass by a blonde eyed, blue haired being..

lets always remember how life precious is!!! i love both of u so much tt it'll take my whole lungs' capacity to even begin to explain how much.. =)

i know there are soooo many other people but unfortunately my sis is nagging me to take a shower.. yes, smelly, smelly me.. till australia...

aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

2005-12-30T20:34:00.000+08:00

5 DAYS

argh.

emotions are all muddled up right now.

i wanna cry, but i dont wanna.. haha

just came back from msia less than 3 hrs ago..

trip to msia was a drag except for 2 days when me met up with cousins

and had savoury pancakes and went galavanting.. haha

anw, cant type now.

dead tired and calafornia pizza is a-calling me..

haha ta for now..

2005-12-20T17:50:00.000+08:00

15 DAYS

lets try a diff colour today.

urgh. 15 days.

no, actually, worse, 8 days..

8 days in Spore.

we're goin to malaysia on fri to spend christmas.. again.

shld i keep this blog?

i dunno if i shld keep this blog.

someone tell me if i shld keep this blog!

haha sounds like im senile.

my nails are a pretty colour today.

deep purple.

with a pink studded gecko lizard ring on my left middle finger.

haha tts a tad obscene.

im bored. and hungry.

kitchen calls.

ta.

2005-12-13T10:41:00.000+08:00

22DAYS

11 days just whizzed past! its crazy.

i hardly get to use the com!! =[

shonali's always hogging it. its not fair.

and when shes not using it, mom is.

oooooh well.

i am now =)

heh on sun, nart and i went ALL THE WAY across the globe, to jurong

with the intention of ice skating.

we went there and ended up playing pool before i started naggin nart to

take me to the science centre..

so we went.

suprise, suprise.

it closes at 6.

we were there at 6:01pm.

haha so we just looked arnd the gift shop.

nart went all crazy with the toys and weird gadgets..

shes so cute.. ended up buying a bookmark wih a whale on it..

i promised dadio he'll take me one of these days, when its actually open.

mom and sho simply laughed and dubbed us nerds.

well i laugh and dubb them bimbos! hah

i dont think im making much sense this entry.

i think i should stop now.

ta.

2005-12-01T14:58:00.000+08:00

33 DAYS

this shall become my countdown.

sigh its really depressing and sad.

my life's gonna do a 180 in 33 days.

tts 792 hrs.

47520 mins.

2851200 seconds.

ok, so i used a calculator.

in a way, its thrilling.

theres no telling how life's gonna be there for me.

its like a new identity.

haha with the same name, age, and fingerprint.

its all set.

im staying at college square.. its on lygon street.

they say its like little italy there..

mom and dad just went to collect the plane tix for me and shonali.

got my medical done yest..

here it goes:

so, we cab to paragon where the medical place is; mom, shonali and i.

first place was to take my x ray.

all the nurses spoke so fast, it was so confusing.

and they were rude!

any, first qn: are u pregnant?

hah

they told me to take off anything metal. i forgot abt my belly stud..

shonali caught a climpse of me changing thru the glass slide door and reminded me.

xraying was fun.

how deprived.

anwhoo!!

next stop, the actual medical place.

they gave me a cup with my name on it.

ahahaha

you can probably guess what i had to do.

stupid pee test.

there were a few other students there doing their pee test and check up too..

some of them were drinking glass after glass of water, in attempt to pee..

anw, was boring after that.

met up with dadio for lunch.

went home cuz of severe cramps.

one thing i hate abt being female.

anw, gtg..

getting bored.

2005-11-29T12:01:00.000+08:00

35 days left in Singapore.

sob!!! sob!!!

very scary this is.

anw, this entry is for the sake of my dear beloved kamani.

she calls me mon night and complains i dont update enough.

dont have time.

sis and mom hog the com.

gotta go.

muah, kamani!

2005-11-11T22:02:00.000+08:00

THE WORST IS ALL OVER!!!!!!! =D

meaning, the O levels.

the first week is done.

had like 3 papers a day, almost everyday.

u know what sucked?

geog and bio was on the same day!!!!!!!!

almost died.

u know whats worse?

the season finale of one tree hill was the night before that!

that meant i couldnt watch!!!!!

the freakin season finale!!!

no more one tree hill for the rest of my life!!

no more chad micheal murray!!

i doubt they even have one tree hill in australia.

do they?

i prolly wont even have time to watch.

oooooooh well. =D im just happy.

oh, i just have to blog this, i dunno why:

on tues, they fumigated the lobby floor with tt smelly chemical thingie.

that meant all the baby croaches from the chutes would come into the house.

true enough, zillions of tiny baby roaches came into the area where

we keep the cats' water and food bowl.

ok, maybe like 20 of them

most of them were dead already.

one of the live ones started running towards ah boy's tail!!!

he didnt see it cuz tt pig was busy eating, so i panicked.

i grabbed the broom and whacked the thing on its head, the roach, i mean, not ah boy.

and it accidentally died. i swear, i didnt mean to kill it.

i jus panicked when it ran to ah boy's tail.

SO, that night, had barely sat down to watch tv when a HUGE, FLYING roach

flew in through the balcony!!!!!!!

tts like 14 floors up!!!!

and it landed near my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i screamed and summoned the roach buster, aka ah girl.

she bravely approached the roach and attacked.

but alas! the roach won the battle.

it clung on to her nose.

ah girl panicked, did a backflip and ran and hid in the kitchen.

ah boy gave it a try, but he was too dumb and didnt know how to kill it.

it flew everywhere, me and mom were frantic.

GUESS WHAT HAPPENED????

it half ran, half flew INTO MY ROOM!

and INTO MY SCHOOL BAG!!!!!!!!!

poor dad had to get the insectiside and kill it.

i had never in my life met a roach tt flew that much, and tt far.

i think it was a curse.

cuz i murdered the baby roach so tha mama came and haunted me.

urgh.

i hate roaches.

they're prehistoric.

poor cavemen.

they didnt have insectiside.

2005-11-04T14:32:00.000+08:00

Poetic eyes
see not only the
rain washing away the earth
but also the rythm of the droplets

Poetic ears
hear not only the cries of the homeless
but also the hunger of their children

Poetic skin
feels not only the
grainy sand underneath his feet
but also the fragrance of seadrenched air

a Peotic nose
smells not only
the stench of death
but also the heartache of it

a Poetic heart
beats not for the sake of life.
it beats for the sake of death.

2005-10-25T16:33:00.000+08:00

"For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call on Me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you", says the Lord "and will bring you back from captivity." Jer 29:11-14.

im out of Revival Nation.

i can see now. really see.

the two ppl i trust most in my life whom i respect with

my whole heart and whom have known me for 16yrs 4mths and 2 days.

(not counting the 9mths they cldnt see me)

the two ppl whom love me like no other living person on this earth.

the two ppl whom have done more than words can describe for me.

the two ppl whom have born more pain than i can imagine for me.

i told them to back off.

now i can see.

thank you Lord.

im so sorry i took so long.

no regrets ever joining RN, tho.

no regrets at all.

2005-10-13T01:46:00.000+08:00

ive estimated a rough grand total of abt 100 ppl asking me if im ok.. haha im fine =) at least now i am.. nice to know im cared abt, tho..

i love.. i love.. i love people. i love emotions. i love the thrill of having ur heart skip a beat when u see someone u love. i love the slow smile that creeps onto ur face when u read a msg sent by someone u love. i love hugs. i love kisses. i love feeling loved.

yea, i kinda love sadness, anger, hurt. cuz without it, happiness, love and all those other nice feelings wldnt be as nice as they are.

i love smiles from strangers. i love the uplifting feeling a few seemingly meaningless words can take effect on you. i think im blabbling. am i? how abrupt.

u know what i dont like? liking someone i shldnt be liking. i dont mean liking as in a nice, friendly liking. i mean liking in a too young to be liking anybody, liking. but u know u shldnt be liking. but u cant help liking. =( help. Lord, please take this feeling away! its becoming as issue..

draw me close now, back to You.

be the core of everything i do.

i love You.

2005-10-01T22:35:00.000+08:00

im done brooding.

dont wanna think abt it.

think happy thoughts. fight evil. argh.

ok, so dad and i went to harvey norman today and bought me my zen neeon. the money i was so carefully and lovingly saving up, was finally put to good use. alas.

i feel queasy. i have a headache. i have a heartache. nart's getting her drum set tmr. happy getting ur drum set, narty farty! =) go crashing and baming about till u drive ur tenants out. im just kidding! dont! knowing u, u prolly will anw. u never listen to me. now this is turning into a complain abt u. stop.

stefanie's gonna send me songs now. yay. hello, gavin degraw =)

2005-09-30T17:54:00.000+08:00

ok, its been awhile. gotten a few complaints here n there for not updating. anw, i promised joanna id update, so joanna; this is for u, babe! =)

sigh. its not a safe bet to go spilling my heart out on such a public online thing, but im gonna do it anw.

this is got to be the down-est ive ever felt in my entire life. its come to the point where i cant even feel anymore. i mean serious happiness.. they say being emotionally ill can lead to being physically ill.. so true.. it feels like my heart has put on a couple of pounds.

even mom and dad are worried. yesterday, after tuition, i quietly went to my room and had a complete breakdown. cried and cried and cried. normally crying makes me feel better after a considerable amnt of time. but this time i only felt worse. mom and dad didnt know how to react. dad tried dragging me out of my room and kept reasoning with me and mom tried luring me with food.

after much reflecting, i've come to the realisation that i am very good and one thing, and one thing only. failure. i must say, im prolly the best there is in singapore. no matter how much time, effort, work, blood, sweat and lots and lots of tears i put into my studies, i simply slip, fall and then crash and burn.

i dont know what else to say. im a complete failure. good for nothing. i give up. i seriously do. i dont know myself anymore.

2005-08-19T00:56:00.000+08:00

decided not to go to sch today.. more productive to stay home to study.. thank God for it, too, today was like the best day of my life!!!! =D

it actually all started last night.. i wrote a poem for dad's bday, two days ago.. its his bday today.. and i showed mom last night, and it wasnt even one of my best poems.. she read it while smiling and when she was done, she said, wow, varsha, i never knew u were such a good poet. ur really good, im proud of u.. and she gave me a huge hug!! haha then she said i'll do well for eng -_-

and today morning, i gave dad the card.. he read it, while laughing and joking, cuz it was a funny card.. then all of a sudden he kept quiet while reading it.. i was thinking maybe he thought it was tacky of smth.. so i joking asked him if he was crying.. guess what he did!!!

he looked up and wiped a tear!!! he was crying!!! like alot!! ahahaa his whole face was red and he was frowning.. he got up and gave me a huggggggeeeee hug! ahahaha so mom started crying.. and i started crying.. so we all cried together for a while..

mom: we have two great kids, james..

dad: -silence-

mom: even shonali can write.

dad: this is great stuff, varsha. u have talent. its definitely not from me (laughing)

mom: i never could write like that, either.

mom hugs me and tell me im talented.. dad tells me to go do my work -_- !!! ahaha i love him so much.. and mom.. and shonali.. and ah boy, and ah girl..

sigh.. double sigh.. aahaha i feel like singing at the top of my lungs now.. but i cat, cuz mom is at home.. i do that somtimes, when mom and dad arnt at home.. poor neighbours..

me and mom just had a nice looooooong chat with shonali online, with the wed cam.. it was so fun! wonder why we never tought of it sooner. dad had to go to work, so me and mom are meeting up with him later for dinner.. sigh, i wish everyday cld be this fun..

anw, i guess i have to spoil everything and go study now.. haha toodles!

2005-08-12T12:37:00.000+08:00

dont see the point of typing anything here anymore.. theres so much i wanna say.. too much, tt its annoying. so im skipping it.. haha

exams are really getting to me.. badly.. i really, seriously, cannot wait till its all just OVER! then i can finally lead a normal 16yr-old life, once again.. not that other 16yr-olds arent totally stressed out either..

im sick =( i hate being sick. cant hear a thing thanks to the blocked ears..

ok, im bored of typing..

tata

2005-07-21T21:52:00.000+08:00

went to spotlight to look for curtains today with mom.. found nice material for mine.. now mom has to find someone to tailor them.. sigh..

was upset with her for some time.. she totally embarrassed the living cells out of me at spotlight.. sigh i dont even want to think abt it.. i kinda am still mad at her.. but im trying not to be.. sigh now im gonna plunge into one of my "i-wish-mom-wld-be-nicer-to-me" soppy tales..
lets skip it for today..

re-arranged my room on wed.. it looks way bigger now.. the whole room looks different.. a refreshing change, i must add..

gonna meet up with pastor after sch tmr.. 3/4 of me is excited and the other 1/4 nervous.. haha i have no idea why.. i always expect the worst so tt if its bad, it wont seem as bad as anticipated and if its good, it'll seem better than anticipated..

dadio's coming back on sat.. i miss his hugs and i miss him towel drying my hair every night.. but then again, i dont miss his nags and the days he can only see me as a walking textbook of sec 4 information..

im in one of my "need change" moods.. im sick of my mundane, unexciting, repetitive life.. i want change.. i wanna be thinking of God 24/7.. i dont wanna be carried away with sch and friends and forget abt Him.. im sick of tt.. im sick of thinking of myself and not other ppl.. im sick of being average.. im sick of not being able to believe that i can be whatever God wants me to be.. ai yo.. im sick of so many things..

anw, its already 10 to 10.. wanna take a looooong cold shower.. got alot of talking to do with God.. tata

oh n jojo, if ur reading this, i love u!!! haha muah.

2005-07-11T18:26:00.000+08:00

feels like i havent been here for decades. oh well.

Believe it can be done. When you believe something can be done, really believe ,your mind will find the ways to do it. Believing a solution paves the way to solution.
- Dr. David Schwartz

i have no probs with believing that. but i have probs believing the things i want to believe and shld be believing. sometimes, i think its my upbringing, sometimes i think its just me being as stubborn as mama and dadio say i am.. but it doesnt the fact that i cant cant.

anyhoo..

haha weird thingies on top of screen.. daddy sent me this stress test.. if it spins fast, ur stressed.. the faster it spins, the more stressed.. some sort of illusion the mind plays.. i must say, the singapore education system shld be banned!! ok, mine wasnt exactly spinning, but rotating at quite a speed, it was!

ok, palms are getting sweaty, eyes gettin blury, stomach gettin impatient, ah girl too..

tata.

2005-06-22T12:05:00.000+08:00

this is gonna be a short one.. meetin natashia in a few mins.. we're goin to sentosa!! haha goodness, how deprived am i? cant wait to just lie on the imported sand and stare out at the fake, manmade beach and laugh and joke abt lame things with nart. how fun.. can almost feel the nice warm sun on my face while we tan.. ahaha at least nart will be tanning.. i'll just be burning and turning grey/gray (??). oh, sweet joys of being indian. guess what!??! im gonna be spendin the whole of my bday tmr, studyin, muggin, and being depressed! how exciting can turning 16, be? curse these O levels.

oh no.. im whining. ok stop.

yay. gtg now! ta.

2005-06-10T16:24:00.000+08:00

Hold my hand in times of doubt

through the fear and through the drought.

draw me near when i need you most

hold me tight, hold me close.

carry me through stages of pain

through the hurt and through the rain.

tell me you love me when there are tears in my eyes

our love will never fail, never die.

when my heart is sore;

my spirit weak,

i hold on to your promise,

that you'll save the meek.

when im feeling low,

when i cant go on,

Lord, i pray,

that you lead me on.

2005-06-07T19:11:00.000+08:00

i know how life's supposed to be full of ups and downs but why is it, lately, there have been waaaay more downs than ups?

im gonna admit this; ive been tryin to force myself to change, like to mature and handle situations better but i think its taking a toll on me. i dont know how to handle them. and everything just gets messed up. its really frustrating. really really frustrating. and now, its like i forgot how to be myself. i dont know who im supposed to be. the whole deal of figuring out who God wants me to be, what im supposed to do with my life, how im supposed to handle situations is really really alot harder than what i anticipated.. did i even anticipate it?

but one thing that REALLY gets me so low is how, walking out of church and feeling like im ready to take on my parents and change my ways and habits and then, FAILING, gets at me. i mean, i came home on sun, after pastor char's sermon abt forgiving and honouring (God really really spoke to me thru that), and it was great at first.. i actually thought my parents we're transformed.. my mom started dancing (or attempthing to) to the radio and my dad playfully gave her a lecture saying how she shld learn from him.. everything was perfect.

then one day later, it all crasehd and burned. mom made me feel so so low. its like i want to be this person, free from negative thoughts or feelings and to be able to see the sunny side of everything but my mom totally prevents that! i feel so so suffocated and unable to feel loved. its such a horrible feeling. i hate this. and it seems all my prayers, asking God to change my fam just isnt helping.

the worst feeling in the world is when u already feel spritually low, but ur parents fail to see that and come and make things worse. it sucks that they cant see me hurting. it sucks that no ones there to give me a hug when i need one most. it sucks being all alone in this.

2005-06-01T21:17:00.000+08:00

no time to blog.. no time to check mail.. sigh

ppl have been gettin annoyed with me for not checkin my mail and for not doing certain things.. but its so difficult to explain n tell them i simply have no time so i just say that ill be more alert in the future, blah blah blah.. so now they prolly think im irresponsible or whatever.. i dont really care..

im tired.. mentally, physically and spritually.. admitting tt last one really hurts.. argh. i really really really feel like flopping down on my bed and crying till i cant cry anymore, but im not goin to.. needa hold on to God's promise.. stay strong..

i dunno if its me, but it suddenly seems like alot of ppl dont really like me.. and i dont mean being prosecuted for being a Christian, cuz that wld be a good thing.. i mean by close friends.. like they dont care anymore.. it seems like theres only God and i left.. no more friends i can share probs with, no one i can explain my spritual obstacles to.. but maybe its a good thing, to build me up a little.. so im not gonna whine abt it anymore..

sigh.. loads of A math hw.. needa start..

2005-05-21T19:37:00.000+08:00

big big eyes

2005-05-21T19:36:00.001+08:00

tryin to look meenah.. suceedin? u be the judge

2005-05-21T19:36:00.000+08:00

great minds that think alike =)

2005-05-21T19:08:00.000+08:00

dont have time to type much today.. the past week has been sooo hectic.. havent had time to blog.. all part n parcel of the Os, i guess.. oh well =) anw, i wanna pay a tribute to stefanie khoo su min for all the wacky things shes done with (and to) me =) and for sharing the same excitement for tryin to pass level 7 on "bounce"..

2005-05-14T20:41:00.000+08:00

Daddy's friend is over now.. im sitting here in the com room, laughin to myself like a loony.. he's talking abt why he conditions his hair!!! (yes, he's a HE) wahahaha.. smth abt the scalp needing moisture...? ok.. i condition my hair jus cuz the conditioner smells nice and and cuz it makes ur hair soft.. haa.. weird fella.. hes really tall n bald.. when he saw ah boy n ah girl, he squealed like a little girl!!(ok, maybe he's not a HE *gasp*) ahaha apparently, he likes cats, too.. hence, i like him =) and he called me sweetie, so i like him more.. they're goin out for dinner in a bit.. not up to it, so im not goin..

i had a dream last night.. somewhat symbolic.. me and my sis were alone in some chalet resort thing, just bumming and talkin.. then all of a sudden i start cryin.. like for no reason.. haha or maybe there was but i forgot.. so then shonali comes over and hugs me and says everythings gonna be fine. then she makes me look at her and she tells me she loves me so much and we just sit there, stoning, while shes still hugging me.. weird right? haha i miss her.. its really weird.. heh i bet if shes reading this, (which she better be not!!) she wld have said smth totally evil.. haha sigh, i love her.. haha today was funny.. mama and daddy called her on the speaker and she was at the supermart looking for pads and she kept whining that she cldnt find them. so i told her to use tampons.. then we lunged into this whole tampon-pad debate.. and daddy was all weirded out, asking how anyone cld debate over such a thing.. haha i wonder how he survives, with 3 women in his life.. oh well.. wonders of dads..

anyhoo, gotta tata.. so, tata.. =)

2005-05-12T17:17:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!! haha i dunno where to start.. ok, our last paper was yesterday.. A math!(which was insanely difficult, btw) urgh.. so. kamani decided to walk me home. then we decided to have lunch at chuntey mary's. then we decided to have lunch at pasta frasca at the beach. then we decided to play worms armageddon. then worms armageddon decided to not work. then all of a sudden i blurt out "i feel like goin to wild wild wet". i look at kam. kam looks at me. next thing you know, we're in our little bikinis(with clothes on, of course), skipping all the way to the ticket counter at downtown east, pasir ris, like two loonies.. haha felt soooo immature. anw, the plan was to wear our shorts over our bikini bottoms, but lo and behold!, the locker dude guy asks me if my shorts are valcro or zip. zip. he says zip shorts arnt allowed cuz then i cant sit on the rides!!! argh.. so i have to take it off why gd ol' kam is happy and gay in her shorts.. haha and all these ang moh dudes were looking.. self concious-ness is bad. oh well.. we went on all these fun crazy slides.. we went on the biggest slide like 8 times and the girl in charge of tt ride was sick of us.. she was like "go away, im sick of ur faces!" haha.. but she was nice.. but at the bottom of the slide, this silly lifeguard kept splashing water at us.. so i splashed him back.. fight water with water.. heh had such a great time, goin all loony and psycho.. theres this river like thing called the shoik river, and just lying there (half stuck) in a donut float, falling asleep feels amazing!! and just hrs before we were stressing out over an a math exam.. kam swam/floated ahead for a while and i was just thanking God for allowing humans the pleasure of such feelings of free-ness and easy-nes.. haha if tt makes sense.. sigh.. i cld dictate out the whole day's events but my fingers hurt n i've gotta go do malay work.. but it was fun =) soooo much fun. and they we're playing nice nice nice songs the whole time.. and it was my first attempt swimming, at tt time of the month, if u noe what i mean.. heh i wish everyday cld be like that.. oh well..
now to burst my big colourful happy bubble:

18 days to malay O levels, and counting!!!!!!

pop.

2005-05-06T23:57:00.000+08:00

This week has left me tired, grumpy n annoyed.. im trying my best not to be negative n whiney.. haha not working.. argh ive done absolutely nothing the past 5 days but study, mug n read! n its killed me!! mom n dad are mad at me (for no apparent reason!!!).. likewise too.. sigh i cant understand why.. me n dad were supposed to do physics together today, he was in an awful mood, i was in an awful mood, we got annoyed with eachother, he shouted, n then the most awful thing happened.. i cried! right in front of him.. i have no idea why, but i did.. like i cldnt control myself.. sigh.. i guess i was kinda hurt.. dadio hasnt raised his voice at me for ages.. its normally me (the evil brat) whos doin the screaming.. and i cant stand being angry at him, or him at me..
heh today me n stef went to parkway for lunch.. n we started saying like wether we were mama's girl or daddy's girl.. and now im realising how much of a daddy's girl i am.. so that just makes my day even better..
its late and i need my nice cosy warm bed. hopefully dad'll wake me up with his signature "knock-on-the-door-till-she-gets-annoyed-n-wakes-up"..
sigh i hate this.
Lord, keep me close to You. i need You. badly.

2005-05-03T19:18:00.000+08:00

Just a quick swing by to say heloo heloo.. ah girl's head is practically one foot out the window, trying to eye a bird.. we live on the 14th floor, btw.. good luck to her..
anyhoos.. had lit exam n eng oral today.. haha oral was such an annoyance.. well not technically, cuz some gd did come out of it.. anw, was anxiously awaiting my turn, praying and praying, asking God not to give me mrs lingesh or ms wong.. not tt i dont like them.. i really do.. its just really weird when u know the teacher personally and as a friend.. haha but for some reason right at the last min, i told God to forget whatever i had said and give me either mrs lingesh or ms wong, to test my abilities.. u noe, kinda as a challange for me.. and guess who i got.. ms wong! ahaha i was smiling spastically to myself as i walked over and i think ms wong thought i was smiling at her, so she gave me a big grin.. haha.. anw, im not too sure how it went.. just gonna trust in God.. failing doesnt necessarily mean bad, right? could mean Gods trying to open new doors.. =) im just holding on to tt thought for now.. haha anyway, i gotta ciao now.. social studies and chem is awaiting my arrival = ( toodloo

2005-04-25T16:21:00.000+08:00

Mama got the babies a new kitty litter box today.. how exciting -_-
ok, im either pms-ing big time or the mid-yr blues are gettin to me ( i thought id be used to it after 10 yrs of education, but nooooooo).. i mean, even ppl i thought i was close to dont seem to be too interesed in being close anymore.. it kinda hurts.. alot.. its been "quoted" tt im thinking too much.. maybe i am.. but tt doesnt make sense.. argh. nvm.. God's been stirring smth up in my heart these past few days.. cant figure out what, and i think tts making me a little fustrated.. needa learn to direct fustration to prayer.. its weirs cuz at the same time i feel really close to Him.. sigh.. i wish i had a metal file cupboard in my brain and heart so i cld just sort out all these emotions and thoughts properly instead of gettin them all jumbled up and leaving a mess of me.. oooooh well.. gotta go start rambling in malay in preperation for tmr's exam.. selamat tinggal..?

As i stare straight up

at Your cloudless blue

im reminded about

how much i love You.

As i close my eyes

seeing Your beautiful face,

im aware of

Your amazing grace.

And as i look to You,

i see Your angels calling.

As i run to You,

into Your open arms,

I will find You.

2005-04-24T20:33:00.000+08:00

Been kinda glum today.. not showin it tho.. cant afford to, since ive been hanging arnd mom the whole day.. the day started bad enough.. i walk into the kitchen n mom's there makin herself a cup of coffee. ok, the usual gd mornings and everything.. then she tells me sister dearest called earlier in the morn.. she was crying on the phone. apparently, the reason she (shonali) was so depressed the past two days was cuz she found out her two best friends were an item.. sigh.. and the worst part is she had been crushing on the dude.. now shes all heart broken and sore.. maybe its some sisterly connection or smth, but i can actually feel her pain.. maybe cuz it's ive gone thru a similar process of some sort.. anw, the worstest part was that she didnt even tell me! sigh.. but maybe she was just still sore.. anw, i talked to her just a few mins ago.. shes really strong.. sigh, it a wonder how we can fight like cats one min and cry together on the phone, the next.. oh well..

got the new united life cd today.. ive officially fallen in love with mia fieldes!! sigh.. shes super talented.. perfect voice, writes lovely, excellent songs, created tunes and sings them.. tts my dream.. to write songs n sing them.. at first i fell in love with Always.. now All For Love! argh.. keeps playing in my head like a broken recorder.. ok this sounds reeeeeeeaaaaaaally pathetic but, when i mature alittle (or alot) more, i wanna be just like her.. hah..

sigh.. eng mid-yr tmr.. malay Os end of nxt month!!!!!!!!!!! im freaked. ive been doin nth but malay malay malay the pst few weeks.. like im not even concentrating on studyin for mids.. but i must say, i am alittle bit more confident abt malay now than i was before.. oh well..

anw, gonna take a warm bath now.. great anti-depressant.. ta..

2005-04-20T22:01:00.000+08:00

The past two weeks have been craaaaazy busy! and u know me n my lack of ability to remember things, so i shall just tell the world abt this wk..

IMW was wicked. haha was super fun. im not gonna elaborate cuz then it'll take me the whole night (im supposed to be cracking my head over A math now, but hey...)

yest after sch for some reason, i accompanied Joanna to the kallang stadium to hand in her tennis form.. was hilarious.. for some unknown reason, we were drunk. yes, drunk.. first in the bus, Jo started goin all wonky n laughin at this sporean version of a mixture of hi-five, teletubies, tweenies, bananas in pjs and sesame street.. ok, so she succeded in freakin me out just a little.. but once we got off the bus, we went maaad..
like we cldnt cross the road properly cuz all the silly cars cldnt make up their silly little minds (engines?) if they wanted to turn or go straight..
ok, so we walked thru this creepy looking place n gave the form. then i wanted a drink so we got lost tryin to find a drink. we ended up singin One Way totally off key, right smack in the middle of the HUGE kallang parking lot, acting all wonky.. smooth.

today charm, steffie, sutrisno, puay hoon n i went a tad off during lit.. made up this whole name tag thingie.. im green.. charm's pink.. tricked a few ppl.. ok, check this:

GREEN
what colour is it?
bet u said green.. wrong! its pink! ahaha.. ok so its not exactly funny now, but it was then..

ok now i forgot what i was gonna say.. sigh.. im not too stable today.. must be the pre-mid-yr-exam-stress.. oh crap. its 10.. gotta go do math.. ta

2005-04-09T20:44:00.000+08:00

Fear paralyzes the multitudes from chaging the world. It is fear that keeps our mouths shut when we know we need to speak. It is fear that keeps us sitting when we know we need to stand. And it is fear that keeps us from giving everything when we wonder if we will ever get it back.

We fear what might happen, we fear what might not happen, we fear what people think, and we even fear what we think.

We are locked within a cage of trepidation, but our Prince provides us with the key that finally frees us from the tyranny of social approval, the despotism of evil forebonding, and the dictatorship of insecurity.

He provides us with Himself.

now, when i think of fear, i think of satan. and i cant stand it. the very thought of being under satan's control everytime i cave in to fear, it just disgusts me.

but knowing that He is the key that sets me free, i feel safe.

Lord, i love You.

2005-04-05T21:31:00.000+08:00

blog, varsha, BLOG!!!

dont u just hate tt feeling when u know exactly what ur gonna type down on ur blog, but as soon as the u stretch n wriggle ur fingers which are by now hovering 2 cm above the keyboard, all ur thoughts decide to pack their bags and leave? join the club.

hiss.. im cold.. my fur is standing straight up as if its singing the national anthem or smth.. ok, creepy thought.. i aint got no singing fur, in case ur still wondering.. reminds me of "the grass is singing".. shudder.. hah.

now scanning the room, trying to recall my week..

suddenly remembers its still tuesday.. bummer.

u know what? i really have nothing to say.. either that, or im just plain lazy to type out everything.. yep, option 2..

u know how when ur gonna barf, and u start drooling like the nigeria falls? yea.. tts happenin now.. i think im hungry..

off to the kitchen i go...........

2005-03-25T23:25:00.000+08:00

A wonderous mystery in the pages of history

Of a Man who bled and died for me

He's more than a story

He's the One who hung upon a tree

His crimson flow poured out for me

He gave His life to set me free

went to church to watch the passion of the christ today..
i dispise the freakin devil!!
i always used to think of Jesus Christ as, i dunno.. kinda supernatural n "not exactly human"
and its different when u read the Bible.. seems more real when u see it.. n seeing Him suffer so much n all the blood n seeing how despite all the persecution n embarassment, He still knew He had to die on the cross.. i dunno.. it just makes me love Him sooooo much more..

haha its kinda funny what happened on the way back from church.. was on bus 31 n stoning out the window when i saw a cat.. then i saw another.. and another n like a few more.. then i thought of how great it wld be to work with animals or cats n have them arnd me 24/7 (not considering ah boy n ah girl).. i think i was smiling to myself cuz this old lady shot me a weird look.. anw, i casually asked God if maybe my future involved cats, since i have a passion for them.. n i asked Him to show me a sign.. to show me another 10 cats.. quite a number for a short journey home, rite? nope! ahaha i saw exactly 10 more after tt!! not 9, not 11.. 10! and i can remember all their colours in sequence: orange (male), turtle-shell (female), grey n white, black, black (with a lovely tail!!), orange/brown, then i saw two cats together, but cldnt see their colours, orange and lastly, black!! heh now i just gotta have faith.. =)

sigh oh well.. dadio's naggin.. again.. n he keeps burpin!!! haha cant take it much longer.. n my bed's beckoning.. so i shall follow.. haha nite nite.

2005-03-23T21:57:00.000+08:00

Have been so busy the past week.. feel really tired n drained now.. its only 9:40 n my eyelids are on gravity's side.. yest we had that emergency exerise thing.. was super hilarious.. got to cut class after lit with a slip from the principle saying that i was supposed to have a meeting with the P n the vise P regarding discpline matters!! ahahaha.. its sooooo fun being in trouble but not having to feel guilty abt it.. anw, went to the bio lab n had sandwiches while they assigned our roles n applied all the fake blood n stuff.. me n shannon were "missing" students who decided to finish up on last min preperations in the upper library.. so we were stuck there for one whole hr, hiding under the computer table, talking abt zombies, mrs lam, food, and a rather distorted version of alice in wonderland!! ahaha.. and mrs ooi found us after an hr!!! one whole hr!! the whole sch wld have burned down by then.. we wld have been dead.. haha and the worst part is i soooooooooo wanted to be saved by one of the firemen.. but noooooooo.. mrs ooi had to come.. haha but it was so fun.. nothing went right.. like the fire alarm didnt work at first -_- i swear, if it had been a real fire, smth baaaaaaad wld have happened..

anw, after that, we had "de-rolling" session where we had to take off our id tag, turn around, and declare to the rest of the "cast": "i am varsha samuel and am no longer playing the role of a missing student"!! ahahaha me n stef cldnt stop laughin..

siiiiiiigh.. super tired.

had drama rehersal today.. tmr's our charlie n the choc factory skit thing.. ooooh n guess what! pastor did end up tlking to mama n dad! haha talk abt confusin! but it went alright.. mama n dad we totally fine after their talk.. pastor wants to meet up tmr.. im kinda scared.. but i know i shldnt be.. =) ooooooook..

have been havin a bad sore throat for the past 4 days n its not going away, only gettin worse.. i thought it wld lead up to a flu or smth.. but i think its my tonsils actin up again.. ahahha i sound like such a loony..

ok tts it.. too tired to continue.. tata n nite nite! haha oh crap.. havent done homework!

2005-03-16T16:57:00.000+08:00

It was a beautiful letdown
the day i knew
that all the riches this world had to offer me
would never do

in a world of bitter pain
and bitter doubt
i was trying so hard to fit in,
until i found out

i dont belong here
i will carry a cross and a song
where i dont belong

- switchfoot

havent blogged for over a week.. i think its cuz theres too much to type abt tt i get fed up n postpone it to someother day n blah blah.. but today kamani complained tt everytime she checked my blog out, same thing.. haha so kamani, this is for u! =D

i have decided to only type abt my phuket trip in this entry.. shant squeak abt whats happenin with the whole rn thing.. will say one thing, tho (heh, the temptation is too strong) pastor char isnt gonna talk to dad.. im ok with it tho.. i dont know why im ok with it, i just am.. haha i think its cuz of smth pastor said.. and cuz i know its all in God's hands.. no reason to fret.

ok.

day 1:
flight was at 8 in the morn on sat.. there was so much turbulence, felt like i was in a fruit juice maker.. n my orange juice just wldnt stay in its place.. the veiw was amazing!! we flew right above the clouds so there were clouds below us, n not above us.. super cool.. anw, we reached phuket n our tour guide's name was pu! ahaha pu.. so cute.. n before even booking in to our hotel, we went to all these weird places.. 1) cashew factory 2) tee shirt factory 3) we were supposed to go to some temple but i got mom to tell the guide to bring us to this great viewing place on top of a big hill.. there are dogs all over the place in phuket, its amazing.. only saw like 6 cats, tho =( anw.. 4) some weird supermarket 5) some precious stone factory, mom got a yellow saphire ring tt cost a bomb!!!!! how unfair! (haha) dad's treat for her.. its gorgeous tho, i must admit.. and finally, we booked into Deevana Resort, our hotel for the 3 days we were there.. had some probs with the aircon n the smelly smelly stinky winky bathroom.. but we're "tahan-ed".. right after tt, me n mama discovered 3 tiny baby kittens!!!!!!! they were hiding in a bush n later on we saw their mama suckling them!! haha its was the sweetest thing, with all their heads turned to us, all alike.. we fed them leftover sausage n ham the next day.. anw hoo, did some shoping after tt at the little stalls n shops near the beach.. saw what the tsunami did to the beach, talked to ppl who saw the wave n everything.. was super scary.. i've come to the depressing conclusion tt phuket is a rather oppressed place.. i shant explain.

day 2:
got up early n guess what! we went on a island hopping tour!!! the little mini van came n picked us up from the hotel lobby n as soon as we stepped in, we made a little discovery; everyone in the van was singaporean! haha by total cooincidence cuz there werent many singapore tourist in phuket.. there was a sweet young couple we suspected were on their honey moon.. they were pretty quiet the whole time, i forgot their names.. n they were holding hands like 99% of the time.. haha was really cute.. then there was mr sunny ho n his acjc son, joshua ho.. haha they were sweet, on a father-n- son holiday.. joshua was kinda hot, but he didnt say much the whole time, so i just shut up.. they were christians from fcbc.. really pleasant ppl.. anw, so the van brought us to the boat bay n from there onwards, it was just amazing scenery the whole way!!!! sigh.. it was beautiful!!! gorgeous beaches, blue blue sea.. sigh.. was really breath taking.. all God's amazing creations =) first we went to maya bay, on the speed boat. tt was where the movie "the beach" with leonardo dicaprio was shot! haha was sooooooooooooo pretty! heh n "bonded" abit with my new bikini.. then we went to khai island where we snorkled with the annoying fish! i have officially overcome my phobia of fish!!! but i now find them drastically annoying!!!!! n they kept following me arnd! goodness knows why me! their stupid little teeth just wont stay off ur butt.. now i've got little fish lovebites all over my butt n thighs.. stupid little things.. haha anw, we went to phi phi island after tt, more swimming.. had lunch.. mama n dadio talked with mr sunny.. i just drank hot tom yam soup n was anti-social.. sigh.. joshua was really rather cute, i must say again.. nvm.. we communed with monkeys too.. fed them bananas n bread while they jumped all over our boat.. cute little fellas.. all furry n innocent.. oh no.. i think i like monkeys alot now.. haha.. ok, skip all the nice, beautiful scenery.. went back, bathed n got my hair braided!! my whole head.. with pink, purple n white beads.. it got really annoying after a while cuz the ends of my hair kept tickling my ears n the beads were super noisy..

day 3: woke up late, after much uncomfy sleep due to pokey-painful beads on head.. all the beads kept dropping off.. dad had to put them back on like 50 times.. we went shopping at big c, central festival n tesco after breakfast.. we took a tuk tuk to big c n it was the scariest experience ever, speeding up n down all those hills n almost falling out of the tuk tuk.. haha but it was fun.. after shopping, me n mama both got thai massages!!! haha i was super excited, all the way up to the room, following the lady till we reached the massage bed thingie.. then she asked us to take off all our clothes.. tts when it hit me.. haha.. mama nicely took off all of hers but i refused to take off undies n bra.. waaaaaay to weird.. haha.. it was nice tho, being pampered like tt, it was really high class, just like in the tv with the flowers all arnd u n the soft music in the background.. the only thing breaking tt nice feeling my was laughter n screeches.. it was super ticklish!!!! ahahaha try putting ur elbow on ur tigh n pressing down real hard.. it was like 10 times more worse than tt.. n painful! haha i made claw marks in the pillow.. anw, me n mama were all oily n smelling of baby oil after tt.. i got n allergic reaction to some of the oil she used, my legs were all itchy n blotchy for a while after tt.. then i got a manicure n mama got a pedicure while dad got a foot massage.. haha talk abt being pampered to the core! but it was sooo much fun.. anw, we headed to the airport after tt, all oily n sore.. and guess who we bump into at the airport! the sweet hold-my-hand-couple! guess who else we bump into! the mr hos'! ahaha.. both with new haircuts.. sigh.. did i fail to mention joshua was kinda cute? ahaha ok, snap back to reality.. the flight back home was smooth.. only one annoying thing.. there was this annoying couple in front of me n mama who were making out 90% of the flight journey 10% was when we were eating -_- how polite.. mama kept rolling her eyes at me.. oh and guess what! the sweet hold-my-hand-couple were sitting right behind me n mama!!! ahahaha.. how weird is tt.. mr sunny n son were sitting 4 rows down! haha.. seriously weird..

did i also fail to mention the number of hot ang mo dudes at phuket?? swoon.. countless number of them! haha.. ok, control.. anw, as soon as dadio coem back from work, im gonna get him to load up all the piccies i took.. this has been the longest entry ever, so i shall stop here.. do forgive n forget the weird spelling/grammar mistakes..

ok, im done now.. kapkunka! =) muah

2005-03-07T19:54:00.000+08:00

Steffie Khoo, i love you! haha.. im expectin u'll be readin this sometime soon.. stupid girl.. its flowers-n-hearts!!! hah she thought it was butterflies n flowers or some fairy-tale thing like tt -_- whatcha think i am, some kid?? shut up, i noe what ur thinking.. haha nvm, i still love u.

ooooook.. so u've prolly guessed.. im not gonna be a bum abt the whole rn thing.. haha talk abt split personality; one day psycho n the nxt, sane. my incredible brain finally decided to process the fact tt it wasnt a Godly thing to fuss n whine abt it, lst nite.. thanks to my darlin godpa.. he keeps me sane.. muah

lets talk abt smth else.. like my hair.

im a boy!!!! im a boy wearin a helmet!! sob i miss my pony tail.. i miss the annoying feelin havin ur hair fly all over the place.. i miss my fringe sticking to my lipgloss.. i miss havin to match a rubberband according to what colour clothes' on me.. sigh.. but it'll grow.. i hope.. unless im inhuman.. is there such a word? inhuman? weird.. maybe there isnt.. tts why it sounds weird..

got a physics test tmr.. silly.. just cuz we were noisy in class, we have a physics test tmr.. i bet mrs koh wld have given us the test even if we were dead silent.. silly lady.. silly physics.. who needs to noe how much current travels thru a circuit?? definitely not me..

ah girls on my lap now, saying meow with her stinky smelly tuna/ocean fish/liver/chicken flakes/shrimp breath.. haha so cute.. after a big fight with mama n dadio the other day, she saw me cryin n she came n sat on my stomach n asked me to pat her -_- like she did this whole big favour or smth.. pfft. but its ok, i still love her..even if shes now trying to destroy the keyboard by plucking off all the buttons with her smelly paws!

alritee.. im officially hungry now.. and ah girl is officially bored and officially wants me to entertain her.. officially.. ok.. im officially off now.. ta taa.. muah

2005-03-06T19:29:00.000+08:00

Sigh i think im being such a bum abt everything tts happenin.. i look at all the other rn-ers blogs n see how on n passionate they are for God.. n now look at me. but sometimes i just cant help it.. God's vision for them is just so clear, like they know exactly what to do, and when.. right now, im torn between 2.. so confused. my parents have always been there for me, no matter what. to discipline me, to be there when i need them, to cry on their shoulders, so share some of the pain i have been luggin on my back,.. to just love me.. and i love them.. but God,.. well Hes done all that, and more! so soo soooo much more.. and ill follow Him no matter what.. but what if Hes the one wanting me out of rn? what if i've been really blind all this while, runnin right into the devil's trap? but then, how can tt be? cuz i've grown n matured quite a deal since rn and why wld i have heard His voice n had visions?

sigh. i wish Jesus was still alive. to come wrap His arms arnd me n tell me it'll turn out fine.

helplessness. theres nothing i can do except pray. but nothings happening! so many ppl think this whole thing is just a small issue, n i'll get over it.. but they just done understand.. maybe if i saw another girl experiencing this id prolly think the same.. but actually feeling it is a whole lot diff.. everytime i think abt it, i start tearing n its so fustrating!

theres this little beam of hope knowing that soon it'll be over.. ill settle down again.. n i wld have grown from this.. my love for Him will be greater.. my faith wld have grown.. right now, im jus gonna hold on to that..

2005-03-05T21:28:00.000+08:00

Right now im on the verge of tears, typin this.. this whole thing sucks! first i leave yf and it wasnt easy, no one can imagine.. i start settlin down in rn thinking, knowing, tt its where im supposed to be, its where i'll grow, its where i'll experience revival, its where God'll reveal my life to me, its where i'll grow n mature, its where i'll be descipled, its where i'll become the person God made me to be, its where all my dreams of becoming who i always wanted to be'll come true.. n now it feels like someone just reached right into my heart, grabbed hold of all those dreams n desires, n yanked them out. now all tts left is hope tt it'll be put back. mom n dad want me out of rn. not tt i hate them or stupid thing like tt, i still love them like crazy.. the only reason they want me outs cuz they're worried.. but sigh.. they just dont know..
lionel talked to them today but, nothing.. its all still the same.. now im just praying n hoping tt when pastor talks to them nxt sun, smth'll happen n they'll realise tt rns real.
what really confuses me is what if it really is God's will for me to leave? but then, why? sigh its really confusin.. i dunno whats gonna happen.. trust in God. faith in God. Hes still gonna be there no matter what so i shldnt be frettin.. so why am i?

its really scary cuz the whole rest of my life n spritual growth depends on this n it pretty much isnt fun not knowing whats gonna happen.. but im being a brat.. so im gonna stop. jus gonna do my best in keepin all these negative feelings n toughts locked up tight in a dark, damp cellar deep down somewhere in my head!! think positive.. positive.. happy thoughts.. think God!

Father, i love u n whatever happens, im urs forever.

2005-02-25T16:46:00.000+08:00

"Whatever we learn has a purpose and whatever we do affects everything and everyone else, if even in the tiniest way. Why, when a housefly flaps his wings, a breeze goes round the world; when a speck of dust falls to the ground, the entire planet weighs a little more; and when you stamp your foot, the earth moves slightly off its course. Whenever you laugh, gladness spreads like the ripples in a pond; and whenever you're sad, no one anywhere can be really happy. And it's much the same thing with knowledge, for whenever you learn something new, the whole world becomes that much richer."

- Norton Juster

daddy baby is forever sending me these quotes, but i must admit, this ones kinda true.. makes u wanna hit the books (NOT!) ha! almost fooled ya, didnt i?? *beam* ok whatever.. today was kinda boring.. schs gettin really annoying.. had chem re-test, might do a little better than the lst test we had.. oh well.. today was supposed to go to bhavna's party and i didnt tell nike or chandi this but the only reason i didnt go was cuz i was afraid id do stuff, i stupidly did at nike's party.. when temptation stares u right in the eye, ... RUN!! haha no, but its true.. id rather run as far as i can frm temptation before it gets any nearer n it gets too diff to stand under it.. might seem like smth a coward wld do, but God noes better =)
today God spoke.. was quite funny.. suddenly felt Him tellin me smth n the first words tt came to my head were "virus scan" haha.. was like huh? so i asked what it meant n He went on to tell me how to change my life.. its impossible to change outwardly (like what u say n what u do) before u change inwardly(ur mind, what u think n what u feel).. so its kinda like asking God for a virus scan in our lives.. askin Him to show us in what ways the world has corrupted us n to immediately pray against it.. sounds easy, but once coming to do it, its a loooong, tiring n scary process tt'll prolly take years n years.. only then will our outward change slowly take place.. n this is changing for the better, im talking abt.. but i hafta admit, KC is really a difficult place to stay pure at heart.. no matter how hard i try, its seems really impossible.. but im tryin =) n im praying =) tts what counts.. heh anywayeeee.. im gonna attempt gettin all homework (the whole pile of it!!) out of the way before tmr n sun rolls abt.. oh tt reminds me, tmr marks the start of my keyboard lessons with andrea! haha cant wait.. n theres tt arts performance thingay at the esplanade tmr again.. will hafta rush down after cell.. kinda scary, it being my second time in the esplanade in 3 days.. oh well.. tata for now. muah

2005-02-21T21:17:00.000+08:00

You know, was just thinking as i signed into msn.. so many ppl have been touched n saved, its amazing.. each and everyday day more n more ppl are bein saved.. was scanning thru he nicks of ppl online n like almost HALF the ppl's nicks we're words of praise for God! not just ppl frm church, but ppl frm sch n ppl im certain didnt know Christ just a few mths ago.. it really brings hope n joy knowing tt as more n more ppl come to know Him, revival is nearer =) heh n church is wild! never have i seen, in my entire life, a group of ppl more thirsty for God and so vibrant n passionate abt serving Him.. haha its amazing! God is amazing. oh n nw i know why i havent been sleepin well these past few nights.. sis von prohpesied over me n told me that God wont give me rest till i do what He wants me to.. i needa keep my eyes, ears n heart open to any visions, dreams or whatever it is tt He gives me, tellin me what to do.. its super cool.. on sun all the leaders stood in front of the room and we had to pass thru, stopping at each leader so that they cld prophesy over us.. and everything the leaders told me added up.. they fit so nicely.. like pastor char wld tell me smth n a few leaders down the line, hal wld confirm the exact same thing.. heh.. funky.. sigh anw, dadio is naggin.. again.. stupid social studies test tmr.. social studies shld learn to mind its own business.. then it wont be social anymore.. anti-social studies! ahaha.. whine.. heh..

2005-02-18T17:43:00.000+08:00

the cat of my dreams!!! swooooooon!!

heh its a sign that i shld dye ah girl pink.. sigh look at it!!! its adorable! even its itty bitty paws are pink! haha.. anw, cant type much.. needa call chandni n nike n head off to the beach.. class bbq today! gonna be zonked.. it ends at 10pm itll prolly be late by the time i get home n i have cell tmr, so hafta wake up early.. heh but i dont mind.. need a break from all the tests in stress of sch.. anw, gtg.. muah!

2005-02-17T20:43:00.000+08:00

Each day of my life,

is a miracle on its own,

a little bit of You in me,

seated high on the throne.

You set my heart ablaze,

put life into my veins,

and slowly You're revealing,

that Jesus Christ reigns.

miracle upon miracle,

wonder after wonder,

You fill my cup with love,

drowning the devil under.

my Lover, my Lord,

my Saviour, my King,

You've planted this love in me,

so deep within.

you noe, i think i shld stop postin in the evenings cuz my mind seriously shuts off..

i cant rem anything tt happened today! ok, sch, sch, sch, recess, sch, sch, chem prac,

drama, drama, drama, ooooh cat!! haha

oh yessss.. silly meeee...

after drama, stef, belina, nat, gloria n i all went to 7/11 n on the way we met

an adorable little kitten whom we named canine.. haha..

so scrawny n ugly.. so ugly, it was adorable!

it had the nicest tail, tho.. so belina bought it kitty food =)

anyhoo,

have been havin sleepless nights lately.. either cant slp or keep wakin up thruout the nite..

mama says maybe God wants me to pray or maybe He wants to tell me smth..

then i began realising how little i give Him, i feel horrible cuz i didnt bother

picking up my bible or ask God what He wants to tell me..

instead i jus stay snugly under my comforter and think only abt myself not

gettin enough slp, wallowin in self pity.. im such a selfish brat!

sigh.. i needa change so many things, jus dunno where n how to begin..

but i will, with God's help =)

i belong to Him,

n Him, to me..

muah.

2005-02-13T23:45:00.000+08:00

FINALLY, my com is fixed..
but everythings messed up, hafta sit n dwl everything all over again..
mega sigh.. SOOOOOOOOO much has happened since my lst entry!!!!!
haha i half shudder-half grin just thinking abt it all..
firstly i hafta get this off me before it bursts out:
RN was super fun lst sun n today!! ahaha..
the whole room was filled with the Holy Spirit and ppl getting manifested, havin holy laughter and gettin drunk in the Spirit!! haha was super funny.. seriously cant describe it.. it was great.. but still, it felt like smth was holdin me back.. like i cldnt fully experience it.. i guess im still kinda holdin on to the past.. i was really down n out today.. felt horrible.. so many emotions just gurglin in me, its an awful feeling.. but i know its all part of the mouldin Gods putting me through.. sometimes i forget this n it gets to me.. sigh.. im like going thru a major spritual n emotional whirlwind now.. one min im on a spritual high, then next im down on my knees in my room cryin my heart out to God, askin Him where He is.. its scary.. heh the song, only getting started by steven curtis chapman keeps poping into my head everytime i think abt it.. like one min, i think im so much closer to God n im almost there, reachin my breakthru, then He goes ahead and shows me this whole new part of my life i needa let go.. haha.. but all the more i love Him! i love Him so so soooo much.. id die for Him.. i keep gettin visions of the whole earth n all its nations bowing down before Him, the King and all heads turning towards Heaven.. its all part of revival.. its so near i can feel it tingling in my heart.. haha i was begging God to hurry n change me completely in terms of maturity n faith, before revival comes.. haha but He told me its all up to me.. i can control certain parts of my spritual growth..
sigh theres sooo much i wish i cld blabber on abt but its gettin late..
oh one more thing.. today i went back to yf to get lyn to go to raffles, and i meetin abi n dara n dan n anya n all these ppl again, it brought heaviness to my heart.. like i didnt want to leave yf again.. but God spoke to me.. and He revealed tt the only reason i wanted to stay on in yf was for friends.. not for Him.. my future with God is in RN, no doubt.. so there was an obvious choice; yf for friends, or RN for God.. haha i dont even need to ans tt.. IM IN LOVE WITH MY PRINCE!! =) just a few mins ago, i was chattin to dan online, and he took soooo much heaviness that has been on my heart since a certain misunderstanding in yf.. he stated a very good point.. God is the same no matter where you are, which church ur in.. me leavin yf effected ppl for all the wrong, selfish reasons.. they cared more abt attendance than me, havin a better relationship with God.. it sounds really mean n harsh of me, sayin this but its what i think.. i do miss yf, but like i said, id die for my Prince! i dont care abt what others think anymore (at least not as much), in the end, its me and God.. and YOU n God! haha.. nitey!! bio test tmr (whine) need rest.. muah.

2005-01-29T18:52:00.000+08:00

Meow.. had cell today..
i like my cell =) funky ppl..
Gods been talking to me quite alot this wk..
abt many many things..
esp abt love, revival n teenagers..
Hes revealing things that never occured to me before
and letting me see things from a diff light..
its quite scary..
Hes been letting me feel things i've been sheltered frm all this time..
thoughts, feelings, emotions i've never experienced..
but its helping me grow more n more everyday
n im loving Him more n more everyday, so its great! =)

i had a big fight w shonali yest, the first we've had since she came back..
all over a stupid movie.. but sometimes, its just not the reason tt gets to u, u noe what i mean?
sigh.. anw, went home straight after sch so cld shower n change,
but me, mama n sho ended up talking n laughin abt the dodo cats who were acting like goons, as usual..
sho kept bugging me to hurry n change so i did
but it was already quite late and wld prolly miss the movie..
then the big fight started, she started blaming me for not coming back sooner n changing faster - !?!??!
when she screams, she really can hurt u..
everytime she gets all mean n wild
i get this horrible horrible feeling that she'll never accept God into her life
then i have to smack myself for thinking tt..
so now, we're not talking n its been a whole day already = (
but today at cell, sis von mentioned that
you shld hate the sin n not the person..
not that i hate sho, i really really love her to bits,
i mean shes my sis, duh..
but sometimes itty-bitty fragments of hate get to me..
i needa change tt.. i love her..
i love my Father.

2005-01-27T19:29:00.000+08:00

Maybe i wont look back-

on those days i could have said something

in those times when help was needed, i was busy

was it worth it, no i dont think so

cause now i see the moment is gone

Maybe i wont look back-

in some way i could have done something

a thoughtful word, a simple smile, but i was selfish

but if i change my heart today

tomorrow it might be ok

and maybe i wont look back.

Qn of the day: whats more annoying than a hungry, vocal, female cat?

havent written/typed for a wk now.

alot has happened, cant tell abt everything.

i'll start with sat:

was feeling kinda down after cell in rn (which was great!! - cell, i mean)

went for Ignite with Bea,

and was kinda dissapointed at first, before the message

but God spoke sooo much abt what was bugging me.

its amazing how much He cares for me - n you too!

and i love Him so so sooooo much!!

its a love no human - or cat, fot tt matter - can give.

tts what makes Him so amazing.

anw, sun was great..

yest, was made a fool of by

our darling meenachi mama, mrs lingesh

cuz im a christian.

at first cld feel my face burning

then i realised, why?

im proud of being His child! =)

haha so a little bit of confusion goin on there..

me n sho went to the beach after sch

and i fell in love with this

lil black baby kitten!

sigh he reminded me soooo much

of ah boy as a baby.

we bought bubbles at this little shop there

n were blowing bubbles all the way home.. haha

then me, mama n sho all sat in mama's room

and talked abt the mark of the beast

and the book of revelations..

nice refreshing discussion..

of course, sho tried every possible excuse

to defend herself when me n mama tried evangelising..

but she believes.

she just has a lot of doubt.

shes the most difficult creature alive on this earth.. haha

but im still praying.

anyhoo..

sch was ok today, had drama..

it was suprisingly fun.

i've got a role as a maiden in the merchant of venice..

haha typical.. always the bimbo/kun yang..

yep.. those were the highlighted-highlights of my wk..

heh.. got math hw to get out of the way..

tata!

muah.

oh and..

Ans to the above question: nothing =) meow

2005-01-20T20:56:00.000+08:00

I feel like a walking ragdoll..
sigh, why is sch so annoying?!?!
stress stress stress,
tts all they want to pile on u.
they expect us to study for
the annoying Os, and then they just
go ahead n drown us in hw so
we have no time to study.
how smart.
sigh..
anw, i shldnt be complainin.

haha today the most embarrassing thing happened..
i puked! haha
after pe i started feelin all woozy n dizzy
and poor kam had to bear with me
(thank u babe, i owe u a biggggg hug)
and i got sooooo annoyed with mr jega
they just dont show any mercy, do they?
all he did was naaaaag nag nag nag.

sigh i've been gettin annoyed with
things n ppl waaaay too much lately.
not an improvement..
i needa change tt
but on the bright side
qt has been pretty gd..
despite all the hw n stress n tiredness
i still have the desire to spend time with Him
even if its 1am, which is the normal time i slp now =(
not not healthy.
sigh ive got so much to do.

hiss

2005-01-19T21:59:00.000+08:00

just a quick swing by.. got a ss test to study for (whine)
something i needa get off my back:
ok, mama n dadio arnt exactly frm the younger generation of christians..
n they're not exactly fans of charismatic ppl who are on for God.
so u can imagine the situation at home..
they're scared "i'll turn charismatic".
i am! i wanna be!
sigh..
today right after i come draggin myself back frm sch
mama n shonali are on the bed..
ok, normal conv n everything..
then i ask mama if i can go for the Ignite conference on fri
and she says its not a gd idea..
why? because the ppl are too charismatic.. sigh..
so i politely comment with a tad of humour saying
"its only cuz your old".. then my big sissie HAS to make my day..
"no, its onyl cuz ur charismatic" n she says it in a mimic whiney voice ( i sooo dont whine!!!)
dripping with sacarsm.. argh it got on my nerves so much.
so i jus smile n slip out of the room..
sigh.. but i cant really blame them,
they havent really had good impressions of the younger generation..
so im gonna give it to them!! =) good impressions, i mean.. haha
oh well, gtg hit the books..
we've had/havin 3 tests this wk!!! grumble..
muah.

2005-01-17T22:53:00.000+08:00

Somethings happenin to me. and its scaring me.

ive been feeling totally out of it, lately.

like im not doing the things i like doing so much anymore.

i dont get that nice feeling i get talking to the ppl i love most anymore.

ive been thinkin differently.

i feel dead.

like im some numb, walking zombie.

im not depressed or anything - at least i think not..

but sigh.. i dunno whats wrong..

maybe jus pms-ing or smth..

2005-01-15T20:08:00.000+08:00

Changed my web song jus nw.. like? =)

i think im obsessed with the song.. ever since i heard it..

and i saw the video jus the other day.. hah i almost cried.

i like the lead vocalist..

the way he holds his gf or whatever shes supposed to be..

and the way he puts a flower in her hair..

sigh. swoon..

i wan someone to hold me like tt..

and i noe alot of ppl do..

but oh well, snap back to reality.

yesterday shonali n i were bumming arnd on mama's bed,

playing our ancient cassets n cds from when we were young

my disney soundtrack n her shaggy cd n all these old grammy songs..

and we started having all these flashbacks of when we were in msia..

the amnt of things u can remember by just playing old songs is amazin!

i mean, there are times i totaly forget i even lived in msia,

then to rem all these things is kinda heartbreakin..

then i wonder what'll be like if we hadnt moved.

but then again, i wldnt change a thing..

i am who i am today cuz of all these things, so yay! =) haha

ooooooh well,

i needa eat eat eat din now..

meow

2005-01-11T23:13:00.000+08:00

Love Yourself

to be who you are

is to be enough

to share who you are

is to share enough

to do what you love

is to do enough

there is no race to win

and nothing to be proven

only dreams to be nutured

a self to be expressed

and love to be shared

never doubt your worth

and always know

without and doubt

that you are truely valued

- Donna Newman

a little something the leaders from the friendship mission retreat thing left us with.

at first i didnt get it, thinking it was jus one of those give-you-for-fun things,

but it has depth in its meaning.

today i read something than made my heart drop.

it made me realise (more than i have been realising lately)

that theres sooooooo much i needa do for God.

so much i needa learn,

so much i needa say,

so much i needa do.

and you know how after u realise u've forgotten to do something,

you jus wanna quickly get it done?

tts how im feelin now.

but i feel helpless cos i know i cant possibly do it now.

and i dont even know what it is i hafta do.

haha.

im realising that what i've been doin is only so half hearted.

im not giving God what he deserves from me.

and it feels horrible.

i need discipline sooooo bad.

something im lacking so much.

discipline to change my ways, discipline to do qt faithfully, discipline to make an impact.

but then again, theres that tiny flicker of fire in me telling me to have faith.

and patience.

i do know that with time and lotsa prayer, God'll mould me n my character.

whine, i need my bed.

2005-01-10T20:03:00.000+08:00

World chagers dont let personal inadequacies

stand in the way of obeying God's call.

" He who follows Me

shall not walk in the

darkness, but shall

have the light of life."

forgive and forget.

theres so much im yet to learn tt its tiring jus thinking of them.

i know its gonna be really difficult moving on to

a more disciplined path of my walk of faith.

im so used to my ways

and the ways yf has tought me.

its like getting kicked

out of my comfort zone.

haha.. a harsh way of putting it.

but i know tt if i jus keep my

purpose and focus fixed on God,

it'll turn out just the way He wants it.

it'll be tough.

but if its not how'll i grow, rite?

geeze, im debating with myself.

ok, stop.

today was not such a bad day.. i guess all the stress from crammin to finish up hol hw is slowly fading. after sch today we had some friendship mission thing all the way at thompson road, Novena church. its a cute church. it was really weird, tho. cuz God spoke to me alot

when Bro Cel was speaking..

i take all my lovelies for granted.

sure, everyone has tonnes of friends, but how many of them'll stick by you when youre down and out? how many of them'll lend a shoulder to cry on no matter what ur prob is, big or small?

how many of them pull you out of that pothole u may stumble into?

only your anam cara.

i learnt a new word i learnt today.

anam cara.

go look it up urself, haha.

hint: its irish for smth..

ok la, ill tell.

soul friend.

just like what john 15:13 says.

"Greater love has no one than this,

that he lay down his life for his friends."

and the funny thing is, i was doin qt jus nw and for no reason, decided to use my mama's NIV women's devotional bible and also for no reason, decided to check up on john 15:13 again. and when i turned to tt page of the bible, the devotion for that day was for a monday(today) and guess what the whole thing was abt! "Friends"!! haha.. its so amazin how God gets you obsessed with something so He can reveal more things to you.

its quite funny..

ooooooooooooh well.

i shall better run along and get started on math hw for the day.

meow.

hiss.

2005-01-09T21:58:00.000+08:00

Hush little baby, dont you cry.

Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby.

Everything's gonna be alright,

the Lord's gonna answer your prayer tonight.

right now i really feel like crying.

everything going bad.

tamb, sch, friendships,

ppl thinkin im leavin yf for the wrong reasons.

but u noe what, i dont care.

if theres something i've learnt,

its to not care abt these shallow things.

whose prob is it anw?

im so pissed now

i feel like crackin a chicken bone.

argh.

2005-01-04T19:06:00.000+08:00

took this is msia.. was alot nicer lookin at it in real life, but the sun was shining down behind the clouds, casting a golden lining on them.. swoon.. another one of God's amazing creation..
Mama always says: "no man's artwork can match tt of the Lords".. come to think of it, He is an awfully good artist.. and sometimes we/i take it for granted.. i cant remember the lst time i watched the sun rise frm the balcony or thanked God for the green green trees.. u noe what i mean..
sigh, anw.. sch.
sch sch sch..
im already swimming in tonnes of hw n its only the 2nd day of sch.
tho most of it is left over hol hw..
i always hated left overs.
anw, once its back to the ritual of non-hols, everything gets borin again..
might as well go attempt to start on some hw..
i said attempt!
no promises.

2005-01-01T22:59:00.000+08:00

Came back on the 27th, but have been putting off bloggin till nw.. jus dont feel like typing everything down.. i dunno what to say.. im having writers block.. haha.. methinks i shld return when i can think.. meow.

2004-12-21T21:36:00.000+08:00

I know you keep a journal

and every page is rippled

from the tears that you cry

aint no meanin to your scribble

cause words cant describe

what you are feelin inside

its like a thousand footballs

and they're still on the rise

but look up

to a beautiful sound

and see for yourself

your not that far down

and know this

i cannot love a little

my promise to you is unconditional

leavin for msia tmr.. dun wanna go.. dunno why but jus have this strong desire to

spend christmas here with ppl i love..

not that i dont love my family/relatives, im jus not comfy arnd ppl i see twice a yr..

so far this has been the most stressful dec hols i have ever experienced..

at home esp..

i guess as im growing mama and dadio are jus bein protective..

sometimes a little too over protective..

ai yo.. i wish i cld be totally carefree for one day n jus spend the whole day talkin to God.

just as my prophesy says, i needa open my eyes and tune my ears to hear Him.

i just get so caught up sometimes

and i noe its bad..

i jus needa keep prayin.

2004-12-18T23:53:00.000+08:00

the most adorable looking creature in the world!
haha decided to try out this hello thing..
i must say, we've come quite a way in terms of technical abilities..
oh well..
family outing today..
its just weird how we fight one moment and everythings fine, the next..
but i really thank god for holding my hand thru all these time cuz amazingly,
i dont get mad enough to snap a pencil anymore..
and my anger never lasts for more than a few hrs..
oh n thanks nat for posting smth! muah!

2004-12-16T15:40:00.000+08:00

Was having the time of my life till i got home a few mins ago..
i jus dun get my family..
lately ive been havin so many fights with them
and its always me who runs off cryin..
and i hate to say maybe its cuz im the youngest..
i dun even wanna talk abt it..
puts me off in a foul mood..
lets jus rewind a few min/hrs back..
yest me, cher n abi checked into grand copthorne for abi's 17th bday..
was reaaaally fun..
the min we got there, we tried moving the beds together
and we broke a cable/plug point frame.. haha
spent half an hr tryin to fix it back together..
me n cher(abi was facing some difficulties) went swimmin and goodness the pool was freezin
even the jacuzzi was ice cold..
then we went for dinner at this posh italian restaurant
haha it was so fun acting like bafoons..
cher's cousin brought us to zouk after tt..
went back to the room smellin like cigratte smoke.. huff..
today morn me, cher, abi and dara just sat at adel n told scary stories.. haha
and abi story-told the whole "saw" movie to us..
sigh then came home and my whole mood came crashin down.
its so annoying.

2004-12-13T19:53:00.000+08:00

I jus put up a chatterbox!

at first didnt want to but tts kinda being anti-social..

so someone, pls say something! haha

im desperate!

i've decided im not gonna post anything abt the

whole church delima..

ill only bring it up when i finally make progress

like actually moving to another church.

oh well..

got nuthing else to say anyway..

renae came down from malacca to visit shonali

she'll be here till fri.

so for the time bein,

i shall go n bug them =)

tata.

2004-12-12T01:53:00.000+08:00

I am only just beginning

I am only getting started to know You now

Im only getting started

And when I start thinking Im getting close to the end

You just smile at me and say

'Hey kid, you aint' see nothin' yet!'

Im only getting started

tts kinda how i feel now..

ironically its our christmas dance song..

which sadly, i wun be dancin to..

but its ok =)

sigh

ive kinda made up my mind.

im leavin yf.

if everything turns out the way i feel gods plannin to to, tt is..

visitin rn tmr..

dunno what to expect

but in a way, i think tts gd..

ive got more hope..

all i can cling on to now is faith..

meow.

ah girly ate a moth today..

yech.

yawn.. i need slp..

theres a bug on the com screen..

eww..

nite nite.

2004-12-08T18:36:00.000+08:00

I know your all alone

in a crowd full of friends.

I can see it in your eyes

that your fading again.

Checking out,

moving into your hole.

Where the light cant touch

any part of your soul.

But hold up and let the river rush in.

You can turn around

and start living again.

Cause your life is a beautiful bloom.

In the image of the One that created you.

ive got so much to say but cant possibly fit everything here so i shall try my best to summarise everything.

spent the last 5 days in Msia doing nothing but eating, shopping, eating, shopping, eating, shopping and last but definitely not least, eating and shopping :)

a few days before tt went over to abi's hse to start gettin dance steps and songs for our christmas dance. bought my tobymac cd and i absolutely love it!! but when i got home, everyone was in a bad mood, plans to go to penang were canceled and a whole lot went on. but worst of all,mama n dadio conviniently said we HAVE to spend christmas in Msia. which means i cant dance on christmas. sigh. sometimes i cant stand being Msian n having relatives there. its annoying. but i've accepted it. prayed so much abt it. God finally revealed to me that jus cuz i cant dance on the day itself does not mean i cant help with rehearsals and praise Him then. makes total sense. so, yay. ill help with rehearsals :)

another bigger thing thats been leaving me confused and weirded out is the big question - "shld i leave yf?"

sigh. smth ive been praying abt for decades. and the more i think of it, the more reasons to leave, i get. not to mention the number of ppl that have been asking me why im still in yf. it so so so confusing. i feel like im stuck in yf. like i dont belong. and i know thats not how i shld be feeling after almost 4 yrs. i've come really close to deciding to leave. im just waiting for at least one more confirmation. i dont wanna be deprived of spritual growth. not tt im not growing in yf.. its just at snail speed. and i cant afford to waste precious time. the end is real near. and yf is not gonna make me grow into the person i wanna be for God. sigh. i dunno.. ill just wait. and start looking arnd for other churches..

anw, gtg. shonali needs to use the com. :)

2004-11-29T01:46:00.000+08:00

I am that star

in Your universe so high

I am that cherry

in Your tree so fruitful

I am that ripple

in Your ocean so wide

I am that snowflake

in Your white blanket so pure

I am that thread

in Your quilt so unique

I am that grain of sand

in Your desert so hot

I am that girl

in all Your creation so beautiful

I am Yours,

truely.

im so confused.. sigh.. i cant think straight.. i cant type..

i feel like crashing.. i need slp.

2004-11-25T22:37:00.000+08:00

Dont really feel like typing today either..
feeling abit glum, dunno why..
sigh..
maybe im jus tired..
went shopping (again!!) today with cheryl
to tampines mall..
went arnd the whole mall scouting for heels
to wear to steph's weddin on sat..
u noe how when ur looking urgently
for smth in specific, u can never find it
but when u dont really need it, u see it everywhere,
like its haunting u or smth..
annoying..
so anw, we watching the incredibles with
pst den and cher's siblings..
second time watching..
then went off to resume our scouting..
just when cher had to leave, i finally found te right pair!
haha.. poor cher hasnt found hers..
sigh..
mama's birthday today..
went for din to sakae sushi (mama's choice)
im feeling alittle like a sushi, myself now..
shonali's coming back tmr!
tts one thing to look forward to..
or maybe not..
at least its company..
as weird as it sounds, i havent seen her for
almost a yr! and shes my very own sis!
sigh..
lately i cant help but notice,
but i've been totally out of it..
like ive been kinda dead..
i havent written a song or poem or whatever it is i write
for ages now..
and it gets me worried..
i havent been feeling "myself" lately..
maybe its just a phase..
im gonna ignore it for now..
sigh..
methinks i shall take a nice loooong hot shower
before climbing to my most fave place in the world:
my bed! =)

2004-11-24T22:46:00.000+08:00

I dont really feel like typing today..

maybe its cuz theres really not much to say..

ive been thinking alot..

alot alot..

abt God mostly,

and ppl..

there have been so many times i've turned away from Him.

and i really dont wanna sound all preachy,

but it wld feel better to get it down..

anw, i figured the main reason

ppl turn away from God is cuz they're scared

tt was prolly one of the reasons i did..

scared cuz Hes calling u to step out to a new level of faith..

i didnt know it then, maybe tts why i found it scary..

but slowly i've learnt that He owns us..

WE dont own Him..

big diff there..

sometimes we jus get so caught up in setting everything straight,

making sure everything goes the way it shld,

passing tests, getting ur life straight..

everything is WE, ME, I..

we forget to have faith..

forget to trust God..

He has the whole world in His hands,

all the power,

Hes able to do anything..

and He has everything planned out..

so why do we even worry?

I've made myself a pact:

im not gonna allow myself to take charge

of everything i do..

haha it sounds weird..

but its true..

its def not easy, but worth trying..

part of trusting God is

allowing Him to take charge of u..

when u feel stuck in a decision or problem

what else is there to do but pray, rite?

ok, right now, i dont feel like im getting to any point,

so methinks i shld just stop here.. ehe..

weird mood im in right now..

excuse the sermon..

sigh..

2004-11-20T19:53:00.000+08:00

This wks been busier than expected! was booked solid.. shall list down events due to my sheer symptoms of boredom..

Mon - SPCA with lionel and faye, then arcade where murderously

killed a business woman on that zombie shootie thingie.. but i

dun feel so bad cuz lionel murdered a little boy.

then watched shark tale.. funny.

Tues - erm.. i forgot..

Wed - ehe.. amnesia..

Thurs - SHOPPING! ahaha.. arnd the whole of ochard road with

steph and cheryl.. from 11am all the way till 8-smth-pm..

tried on abt abillion dresses tt day.. ended up with a simple black

sleveless top and nice pleated black skirt.

oh, this is for steph's weddin btw..

but mama reminded me of this pink top i had

and nagged me abt wearing black for weddings..

realised the pink top went nice w the skirt =)

Fri - cleaned bathroom in the morn..

went to tampines w mama in noon for more shopping!

got a black tube top,

purple n pink feather wool after mama nagged me into learnin how to knit and

pink dangly earrings tt i fell in love w at first sight =)

knitted the rest of the evening (talk abt premature aging!!)

turns out i made a big hole in the shawl i was knittin so mama

took it when i wasnt lookin and gave it to the cats to play with!!!!!!

so that pretty much sums up my week.. haha.. some one pls tell me im deprived..

talked to God alot this week.. Hes assured me in alot of areas i felt i was floting arnd in..

i always used to get fed up when He didnt ans me.. but i learnt that if u just keep at it and keep yacking, He ans..

ask and it will be given to you;

seek and you will find;

knock and the door will be opened to you.

for everyone who asks recieves;

he who seeks finds;

and to him who knocks,

the door will be opened.

2004-11-15T22:45:00.000+08:00

Sigh...

sigh. sigh. sigh.

my heart feels heavy.

listening to ppl talk abt how productive

and how happy and full of faith and confidence they are.

gets me feelin like a failure.

makes my heart sink.

makes it pound faster.

sometimes i feel like falling back into someones arms.

someone big and strong.

someone who'll catch me when i fall

and hug me when i feel weak.

I doubt tt'll happen though.

i do have faith,

i am happy.

but it seems like everytime

i thank God for what Hes given me

i get exposed to new areas,

new thoughts,

new feelings.

things change.

and it starts all over again.

when will i ever be satisfied?

step out in total faith?

things like these bug me.

how much am i growing in my church?

is it enough?

is it stable?

will we ever reach revival?

together, as one body and unity in Christ Jesus?

i have my doubts.

but then again,

i have my faith.

i have hope.

Sigh.

2004-11-12T22:03:00.000+08:00

What is this thirst,

this longing i have?

A desire to belong,

belong in the arms of a King.

A King, a friend i never knew.

A stranger, oh how i long for you.

You dared to love me

before anyone else would.

You set me free

you were the only one who could.

My King, My Friend, My Companion

My Saviour, My Love, My Lord

My Jesus.

I woke up at 3:32am this morning and wrote this. why? i have noooo idea. haha was quite funny actualy. was like in a trance, writing this, then conveniently went back to slp after i was done.

im scared. dadio brought me to the bank this afternoon and opened up a DBS account for me. got the slick card and everything.. im just scared i cant budget and save. knowing me, i'll spend all the money on clothes and food.. sigh.. he says its all part of being an adult! if im an adult, how come i dont get to stay out late till past midnight and have wild parties and watch m18 movies?? sigh.. this world is unfair. esp parents. but i still love them =)

today ah boy spoke to me!! he was being all leechy and annoying.. so i asked him if he was feeling ok, and he answered: "hmmm?" in the most adorable way! haha my baby black cotton ball.. sigh..

dentist today.. sooooooo annoying!!! was expecting my braces off anytime now. so i patiently asked the dentist in the most polite manner when it wld probably be off, and he said in a few months!!!!! arghhhh!! he said tt like a few mths ago! grumble, whine, complain. nvm, patience is a virtue.

oh oh! survivor is on now.. can hear the theme song.. mama must be watching.. off to the television i go!

remember who He is and what He has proven true about Himself in your life.

then obey.

choose to put the Giver before His gift in your life.

my Jesus!! =D

2004-11-11T19:08:00.000+08:00

Today has been pretty eventful.. met up with abi for a game of tennis at tanglin club. wasnt as disasterous as i had expected it to be. if it wasnt for the oh-too-many balls landing on the water cooler thingie and me hittin waaaaay off course, it wld have turned out smooth, actually.. after tt, went down to meet her mama near the pool and had one of the best banana smoothies i have ever tasted in my life =) at least its healthy.

sigh.. got nuthing much to look forward to this wk.. dentist tmr, cg on sat, yf on sun, possibly SPCA on mon (really looking forward to tt!!), nuthing on tues, nuthing on wed, shopping with cheryl n steph for dresses n stuff n thurs, nuthing on fri.. argh, needa start on my hol hw. i thought the dec hols were supposed to be hw-free!! but do they want us to have fun?? Nooooooo! hiss, spat, whine, complain, grumble, mumble, potato salad.. haha dunno where tt came from. roar.

anyways, got nuthing else to say or erm, type.. ehe.. to tata!

"But you were born for more. You are called to go after larger and larger Dreams for God. And He will go with you."

2004-11-09T15:08:00.000+08:00

I feel deprived.. found myself discovering these reeeeealy lame games frm one of the links on emma's site.. decided to put them up as "what do u do when ur bored".. sigh.. feel like puking, must be the fact tt ve'been cooped up in the hse the whole day.. but i still feel gd =) had somewhat of a break-thru lst nite.. got down on my knees and prayed and cried askin god to show me what my dream is/was(?) and what i can/cld(??) do for him.. He brought me back to a short paragraph in this bk i was reading tt i didnt get before. it went somewhere along the lines of:
Dont ask God what He wants us to do for Him. Thats being selfish. Ask yourself what you can do for God. Every single possible thing. He is worth it.
i read it a couple of time before but didnt really get it till lst nite.. felt good.. it feels like ive got a looong way to go. but the best thing to do now is endure.. it not easy, but this is where most christians fall back on.. i've been blessed with a few close christian friends who have been there to encourage me and its really the best feeling in the world knowing how blessed u are.. there are so many things i cld go on and on abt but shall refrain.. hee..
argh.. the whole sky jus turned gray in like 5 mins.. nice weather to just curl up in a ball and stone =) and so, off i am to stone!!

2004-11-06T15:03:00.000+08:00

I misssssss tamb! suddenly just felt like picking up my tamb, then realised i forgot like everything.. with steph n cher gone it seems like everything jus stopped. it feels like we're totally disabled or smth.. but it jus hit me tt we're totally not.. act, emma just hit me.. haha..
"haha im sorry but i think it is a waste to put that talent in a box because you are limited on dancers." quote, unquote.. i cant stand it when ppl are right.. haha.. oh, then she gave me a bible verse:
"The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and i WILLpraise him, my father's God and i WILL exalt him" exodus 15:2
oh well, shall bring it up to lyn n clara after the 'o's.. i think im a year too early, but- i cant wait till the 'o's are over!.. haha.. shall remind myself to repeat tt next yr when the horror actually starts..
went to stef's hse yest.. did bimbo things; temporarily straightened our hair, painted nails, swooned at touching stories from chicken soup for the wife's soul and just giggled and acted like fools..
i feel like swimming!! its so nice and hot and sunny outdoors, and the pool is calling out to me.. one slight crisis: my current swimsuit is too loose.. the front keeps slipping down, exposing alot of my.. erm.. skin.. haha. needa another session of shopping with mama..
needa go change before im off to cg.. tata for now.. muah.

2004-11-02T20:53:00.000+08:00

Can You feel when im in pain?
wipe away my tears and make me smile once again.
do You know when im in love?
make my heart go soaring to the heavens above.

did You see me smile within?
when i felt the warmth of love come seeping into my skin.
could You hear me when i cried?
couldnt hear Your voice no matter how hard i tried.

i jus found out smth reeeeealy cool.. all the above resembles the verses of "always" perfectly! =D
was sittin in the bus listenin to it and all of a sudden what i wrote pops into my head and realised i was hummin in my head - my lyrics, to the "always" tune.. haha.. was quite funny, actually.. now cant get it out of my head.. oh oh.. and theres another part:

when im jaded and lone
Youre always there with open arms
waiting for me to come.
when im lost in this place
seeking Your face
Youre always there for me.

and i got a tune for that too!!! haha. argh.. i wish i cld play the piano or smth.. shall bug shonali to teach me alittle when she returns from a land far far away.. or so it seems.. oh well..

my eyes hurt.
think im wearin contacts too much.
sch was utterly borin today, same old lessons.. lingesh didnt come.. your meenachi marmee.. haha.. nike wanted to invite her to chutney mary's for our meenachi outing.. haha scary..
nuthin much happened today, so nuthin to shout about.. ah boy is being annoyingly leechy.. betta go feed him or smth.. tata.. muah